Blinded by the Light

Disclaimer: this post was a difficult one to decide to share as it is very personal and is in no way intended to seek sympathy or attention, other than your faithful reading, from this or any previous posts. I say this only because I more often than not am writing about the struggles in hope, faith, and health throughout our ordeal. It's hard to write about one's most intimate emotions and trials to a wide audience without feeling like it's to seek recognition. It is not. I hope only to inspire and to share the transformations that have occurred in my life because of this and can only hope it will instill some hope in others who can relate or garner some wisdom from these words to apply to their own life.

This past week has led to some pretty major changes in perspective and 'coming to terms' with some heavy topics touched on briefly in my last post. I started the week seeking solitude and faithfulness (which was the name of my room at the guest house) at the Abbey of New Clairvaux in Vina, CA; a monastery, winery, and retreat center. Being a self-guided retreat I had my own agenda while attending: seek a quiet place free of all distraction to be still and be in the presence of God. The first morning there I embarked on a trek across the acres of orchards and vineyards on the property to reconcile the concession of several topics in my own faith. Lately, I had grappled with the concept of how to truly and fully submit your cares and worries, to give them up to the Lord and declare "My life is yours Lord, I give it all up to you, my worries, my burdens. I submit myself wholly unto your will." It is such a digression from our social habit for American's to do this. You see it prevalently in other cultures; believers laying supine in the middle of the road, praying to God. This is so unthinkable in our culture because we worry what others will think, how they would judge you. I was walking down a gravel road, walnut trees on my left, wheat fields on my right. Not a soul around as I prayed for guidance on how to submit myself to God's will, to relinquish control of this struggle within to plan and trying to choose the correct path to secure a happy outcome from this disease. Totally isolated and alone, I knew the simple gesture I needed to perform to show God my willingness to submit and relinquish control to Him, but I still clung to stubbornness, looking around to see if anyone was watching and I still couldn't do what needed to be done. I walked on frustrated at my inability to overcome petty stoicism. God then presented me with a sign to answer my question and how to overcome my hesitations. A rock the size of a watermelon lay on the side of the road, pushed to the edge of the field when it had been plowed. The rock was me, Peter the disciple, 'The Rock', the foundation of the church. It was scratched by the plow blades but impervious to anything thrown at it. I saw that I must assume my namesake and be the rock, the strength to carry God's will and His word, impervious to the outside whatever they may think or judge about me. In the middle of this gravel orchard road, I lay face down and prayed; committing myself to the Lord and to ask for guidance in lifting all my worries up to Him to give Him control of where this struggle will lead us, to grant us wisdom to make the right decisions. I stood and felt lighter, freer from burdens that had weighed me down. They were no longer of my concern. God will deal with those now. I still face some heavy decisions and tough roads to walk, but now I know that He is with me and will guide and protect me.

When all medical options are extinguished, treatments tested and failed, natural methods abandoned, in that end, I know the Lord. My faith that His will and His plan for me will either be revealed or shall deliver me to the state of mind where I can accept my fate and am ready and willing to join Him in my eternal home. It is an easy thing as a believer to know your ultimate fate and to accept that you will be going home to Jesus; sooner or later, but it leaves still difficult human aspects of that commitment that aren't so easy to accept. My wife and family know where i'm going, even my three year old daughter knows that Daddy's sick, he has Cancer and might be going to live with Jesus soon. She may not grasp the depth of those statements fully yet, but she gathers enough to know most of what's going on. Since that walk and laying supine in the road like a pilgrim on road to Damascus, i've been able to face the possible inevitability of my condition. Doctor's don't want to say the word 'terminal' or 'prognosis' to you, but they start talking around things saying in not so many words that 'there's nothing left we can do for you.' That part is disconcerting amidst the rediculous levels of pain i've found myself in the last few days. The low-dose morphine complemented still will occasional Percoset hasn't even touched the pain at times. They also have the unpleasant effect of making me extremely constipated which in trying to resolve has caused more pain and discomfort that the pain pills were intended to treat.

I was writhing in pain most of the evening last night with Alysha by my side, upset that there was nothing she could do to help me. I sat in the shower for a little while as I no longer had the energy to even continue standing. With the water falling on my shoulders, I had the distinct sensation that someone had placed their hands on my shoulders. I knew no one was in the bathroom with me but I instinctively looked anyway and then hung my head and closed my eyes again. I felt the individual drops of water splash on my neck and my shoulders but again felt the sensation of someone standing behind me with their hands placed on my shoulders as if rendering comfort and support. In that moment, I felt God's holy presence and they were His hands on my shoulders; comforting yet giving me strength and renewing my spirit to know that I would get through this as long as I continued to trust in Him. A while later I was in excruciating pain laying on the bed with Alysha holding on to me wishing there was something else to ease my pain. I was at the point of almost shaking and feeling faint. When I had been standing or walking even just between the bathroom and the bedroom, the pain and pressure that the tumor is putting on my sciatic nerve causes intense lower back pain and discomfort in my leg on my left side, so much to the point of my legs wanting to buckle under me when I stand and put weight on them so I end up hobbling short distances to find a semi-comfortable place to crash and pressure breathe through the next wave. At one point it felt like all my senses were slowly failing. I started getting the tunnel vision feeling even though we were laying in the dark, as if I were about to faint, but this felt more ominous. Things I could hear around the house, the rush or air and the a/c unit running, the sprinkler running outside, all started to slowly fade in volume. It didn't feel like fainting, it felt like my body could no longer sustain me in that condition and was shutting down. It felt like the end. I was literally grasping Alysha's arm to hold on, to keep from slipping away, to cling to something in this life to fight the coming of darkness then light. It may have just been a wave of faintness coming over me, but it certainly felt like a glimpse of what the coming of the end may be like. It scared me. I started thinking that if the pain continued, that tonight could be my last day here, that my body may succumb. The kids were both asleep already but I snuck quietly into both Izzy and Lucas' rooms, laid beside them and prayed over them; prayed for them to grow up strong and to be fair and caring and generous to others and to accept the Lord into their lives. I said goodbye and that Daddy would always be with them even if they couldn't see me, that I will always be there and that I love them very much. I prayed with Alysha as if it were the last time we would lay down to sleep together. The pain had mostly subsided but I was afraid to go to sleep. Awaking the next morning to the sunrise was the happiest I've been to see a new day for a long time. I praised the day and hoped for many more, good or bad, to come without that ominous feeling I had felt the night before.

I am ready to go when my time comes, but not yet. I don't get to decide that, but not yet. We still have a few avenues to explore before we have to make our own distinction as to when enough is enough, that we've extinguished all our options and will then spend our time enjoying life, doing the things we haven't had time to do, as a family, as a married couple, as Christians wanting to make a difference in someone else's life. The freedom of living life unrestrained shouldn't be reserved for the end when your options for staying alive and living a long full life have run out, but often is. Live like there's no tomorrow, or 'live like you were dying' (Tim McGraw). We should all get a chance to do that. Hell, that's a lifestyle everyday for some people. I wish the rest of us could share in it, to re-prioritize and stop giving a shit about all the trivial stuff in life. Things just don't matter as much once you truly see what's most important in life. Again, it shouldn't take a life-altering event to bring  out the best in yourself, to realize that you have the strength within you to be the parent, the spouse, or the believer you thought you were but weren't really living up to the expectations of what a good one should be. Unfortunately it often takes something terrible to happen to make that change in perspective the catalyst for change. It is within you to be a better person. It's within me, i'm still finding it myself, it's not an easy or a short road either, it's an ongoing progression that lasts a lifetime. Transformation isn't about completely changing yourself. People can't change who they're meant to be; their design for their personality. They can change how they look at things and change how they react to them and act toward other people. They can overcome weaknesses and find new strengths. It's a process of perfecting the mold which leads to the ultimate goal of how you will affect others and pass on traits and inspiration to them so that they may be able to mold it into their own identity to then pass it on to another to inspire change and so on. I hope my stories can inspire strength in others, to change maybe certain attitudes toward life or towards others, maybe give new perspective on predispositions otherwise never addressed. I wish I could provide some profound advice to those closest to me to initiate changes that I know are in dire need for some, but all I can do now is to show them how I have found my strength and can only hope that this will inspire them to search their soul too to find the strength I know they have within themselves to fight their own struggles and to win out over them. I am confident I can help those who seek it, but I am still on my own journey as well, so can just be a helping hand along the way. This is what I truly hope.

All the best and thanks!

~Pete

Deuces Wild

What can be said for someone who claims to know what their own destiny holds in store? Would you believe them if they could tell you your own? How would you truly know for sure that it's true? The answer to all these questions is: You don't. I fully trust that God has a plan for me and it's yet to be revealed, and may never be. We are not meant to know, but are expected to trust that there is a 'reason for everything'. Not easy to do for us humans who are all naturally selfish and desire control over their lives. How do poker players control the outcome of a game of 'Hold 'em'? They stack the cards in their favor in order of precedence. We try to do the same in our own lives by habit. But what happens when we are dealt a bad hand in life? We try to barter and rationalize and jostle a way to make it work in our favor before 'throwing in the cards' and folding our hand, thus; giving up. Again it's not easy to sit back and relinquish control of our life to let the cards fall as they may. We want the best possible outcome for each round life throws at us.

The latest rounds we've been dealt has definitely made us feel like we are in a house of cards. Ok, enough card playing references, maybe. We've tried our hand at trying to seek the best path in natural medicine. During which we've met or been introduced from a distance to a very broad range of eclectic and eccentric people wielding a cure, well, a treatment at least. No one has or can claim a cure. We've been convinced and then misled, reassured and then let down, informed and then reproached. Through it all, all we wanted was a clear path that would lead to positive outcome. If it were a card game, every hand i've been dealt has been snatched from me, reshuffled, cards replaced or scattered out of reach midway through. There are so many answers out there for someone looking, but none have been valid or even offered as the best route with any degree of surety. I couldn't help but feel that precious time and resources have been wasted trying to seek an alternative. It has only led us back to conventional methods as my symptoms have worsened. I think my ride for the LiveSTRONG cancer foundation 2 weeks ago was a calm before the storm in the progression of my condition. I felt great the day of the ride, surprisingly so that I felt strong enough to ride hard, like I had a tangible goal I could physically control and work aggressively for when nothing else recently had offered anything close to the sort. I rode hard for the last 5 miles or so, pulled ahead of the rest of our team and focused on the effort, the will to fight hard. I passed the finish line in a blur of concentration and satisfaction of giving it the effort I wish I could distinctly pour into the real cancer fight i'm waging. The effort wasn't without it's consequences as my lungs protested a little afterward, but overall it was a day I felt strong and was proud of. Since then, i've been on a slippery slope of regressing into a state of severe pain that has drained me more than the chemo did. It's focused in the primary tumor which we've discovered has grown enough to now be putting pressure on my sciatic nerve, causing concurrent lower back pain on the left side, tingling and numbness in my feet and the feeling of 'restless leg syndrome'. Pretty much everything; bones, muscles, etc, from my hips to my thighs ache all the time with pretty severe focused pain in the middle. It's led me to need up to 6 Percoset per day just to alleviate the pain and keep me from writhing on the floor. I've now been prescribed a pain management program of low dose morphine to take regularly to fight it. Otherwise, I would be feeling worse than I did after a chemo round. In that much pain, nothing else really matters. I don't want to live like that either.

We also went to see a radiation oncologist to discuss the options and benefits of radiation and will be going for a SIM this coming Thursday and probably starting on several weeks of daily treatments shortly after. This will address the pain as well as attempt to shrink the tumor. It's extremely frustrating however, continually being told that because of the advanced nature of my condition, surgery is pretty much out of the question. Reading about similar cases on my own has only reenforced that statement, though it seems so counter-intuitive to what we're fighting to do that my mind hasn't accepted that as a valid answer. The answers have all resorted to being palliative: treating the symptoms to make my quality of life as comfortable as possible, but saying that there's nothing left to do to really treat it. That's led to some pretty grim thinking that is anywhere but where I want to be focused, but has become almost an inevitability that we've forced ourselves to address and begin planning for. We don't know what else to do...

I'm now in the process of writing a dedication of sorts as something to leave my children should our fears be realized. It breaks my heart at the thought of my children growing up without me. I've turned to finding scripture to include throughout my lessons I wish to leave them, but no matter how strong our faith, not even the promise of everlasting life through Jesus Christ after this mortal one, I can't find comfort in the prospect of my family being left without me. These things hurt my heart and soul more than the physical pain can. This coming week i'm going to be unplugged from the rest of the world and will be at a retreat at the New Clairvaux monastery/abbey in Vina, CA (between Chico and Red Bluff) to grapple with these heavy things weighing on me. This is a chance for me to find the solace, time for reflection, and hopefully rest that I have sought since the beginning of my diagnosis but has eluded me. I hope this time will provide the conversations with God from which I seek to gain guidance, peace, and the ability to truly submit to His will and fully lay my worries at His feet relinquishing the need to control them. I don't know what the cards will hold in the next hand dealt to me, but if I were a gambling man, i'd still have my money on my strength and that of the prayers of hundreds of people behind me giving me the winning hand of a 'full house'.

~Pete

Labyrinth: Misdirection in cancer care

Seven months ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. Since then I feel like i've been thrust into this maze, one with many paths and levels like an M.C. Escher drawing where it deceptively intertwines with itself with gaining a higher level only to find out you're right back where you started. Maybe 'Chutes & Ladders' is more an accurate depiction. This maze may have no way out of it. At first, we took the standard advice of the oncology doctors, referred to by my Primary care Doctor, who then referred us to a surgeon and so on. That lead me to taking a backseat approach to my treatment: I was just along for the ride. I didn't have any control over what would be happening to me and was not informed enough to take control to make decisions for myself and not heed the Doctor's every inclination. The more we went on and began to explore our options by seeking out, second, third and fourth opinions from elite hospitals such as Stanford, Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Phoenix, AZ, and now Dana Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, Mass. All with the same results (though we're still waiting on a consult at Dana Farber); we can only do chemo, we can't do surgery, you're already too far along, lets talk about keeping to comfortable... They think and act like there's nothing else to do for me but to palliatively treat my symptoms and ride out the storm.

Our approach and growing concern lead us to seek natural alternatives. As Alysha has written, i've decided to go along with a plan that now is overloading me with unnecessary supplements and prescribing therapies to do at home that are going to costs us thousands of $'s more out of pocket beyond the high price that we've already paid to follow his prescribed regimen. We've now second guessed ourselves and may be following the advice of a local naturopathic Doctor that would start me out more slowly to help my body regain it's strength and immunity at a better pace then treat with her own prescribed therapy.

There's someone waiting at every turn of this maze, waiting at every dead end to offer their greatest breakthrough protocol and ready to denounce any other's approach to tell you that they are wrong and would kill you if you followed their path. Miracle workers selling their own wonder cure, superfood, herbs, or teas, people who would take advantage of those in desperate times, who seek answers but find only empty promises. I've continually sought out the ladders scattered around this maze, to rise above all the confusion and get a clear view of the entire situation only to see the true extent of the mess that lays below. Then taking a step in any direction at that point flings me back down into the depths on a chute to a place that leaves me even more confused and lost than before. Going all natural and not following the advice of the Doctor for what to pursue next is hard as the decisions are all up to you and there's too much information to sift though, much of which is conflicting or contradicting in nature. What leads you to follow one and not another is not taken lightly, especially with your life on the line. Seeing a real person firsthand to discuss options and issues surrounding treatments out of the norm helps immensely. They can discuss your doubts and calm your fears over doing the right thing and really take control again to guide you through a a set path with tangible goals to reach and a clear end in sight. There are still many paths to explore to make sure we don't overlook any possible solutions; Leave no stone unturned.

As this goes on though, my physical condition is declining. The pain level has reached higher thresholds that all but incapacitate me for hours in the mornings most days. I drag around in a state of extreme discomfort full of body aches and sore joints that make me anxious and nauseous still. I keep getting told that it's still too soon for an major affects to be had. But what happened to the promise of being pain free in 10-days (but you don't get your money back)? Some deep realizations have confronted us lately that I don't like to ponder too long but are necessary to address. Though i'm strong and am an anomaly to some who see me still functioning, I may not be around for long. Though we're still pursuing all avenues of natural and conventional treatment, it's late in the game to be throwing any and all conjured cures at it. It's advanced and still advancing. Though we try to maintain the positive attitude of saying to myself that 'i'm only as sick as I think I am," my body seems to push back and say, "no you're not stupid, you ARE sick!"

Where does one go from here. Does he continue to wander the maze but ignore those who through miracle cures out at you, does he find a bench facing a blank dead end and sit and wait for the answer to present itself? Or does he just conjure up a bulldozer and force his way out of the tangles bushes and switchbacks? But what does that symbolize, how do I turn that simple imaginary solution into a tangible one? This parable yet has a moral, an ending that will teach and guide others from the experience to better direct their own life. But it's not there yet. That lesson has yet to come to fruition to be able to offer it as the powerful end to a story. Mine may not have ended yet, but the journey through the labyrinth should tell people that there is much out there in the way of cures for some horrible diseases, but you have to make you're own path, find that hidden wall in the brush that leads you to the exit with confidence. Getting lost in the jumble of potential ways to a solution can be overwhelming and make you want to stop and give up, jump in the backseat again and let someone else drive your life toward either a cure or disaster. Only you can know the direction to choose and only God knows if it's the right one. Trust in Him and hopefully that bulldozer will appear.

~Pete

Hope

We both had crappy days. Pete was horizontal most of the morning due to pain which left me wondering what causes people to let go. What exactly happens that causes them to say their final goodbyes? Is it that their bodies simply can't function in the late stages of cancer? Is it that their organs have failed? Is it that the pain is too intense that they over-medicate? Or is it that they've simply lost hope?

Needless to say, these deep thoughts into unchartered territory left me on the brink of tears or in tears most of the morning. Finally Pete pushed himself to go meet a friend for dinner and I ran a few errands with the kids. After the change of scenery we were able to come back to each other with renewed minds which allowed us to truly discuss the future of his treatment.

For the past couple of weeks we have been re-evaluating Dr. Pablo's cancer treatment regimen. It seems too many questions have been left unanswered, too many supplement have been prescribed, and that Dr. Pablo is distracted by other events in his life which has left Pete with little direction. As a result, Pete has been experiencing increasing amounts of pain. This is both alarming and infuriating as we were promised results by Dr. Pablo. During a visit to a Naturopathic Doctor yesterday, she stated that, after reviewing Pete's blood work, she expected Pete to be a cripple and wincing in pain. She repeatedly expressed that he must be a very strong person because his blood work was very alarming. At this point his blood levels show that he is in a worse state than he was while on chemo. His body is very acidic, and knowing that cancer cannot live in an alkaline environment, this tells us his cancer is thriving. We were shocked but not surprised to hear Dr. Pablo's plan was not working the way we were promised it would.

During that visit, Dr. Miller explained how she would approach Pete's condition. She feels Pete's body is being overloaded on the current regimen and is not able to process and/or use all the supplements being pumped into his body. In contrast, Dr. Miller would start out slowly by introducing a few nutrients at a time while heating up Pete's core temperature with additional supplements. The heat causes bacteria and cancer cells to die off because it has been proven that cancer cannot live beyond a certain temperature. She also uses a specially formulated intravenous vitamin combination that she believes kills cancer. In addition to all this, she has created a food plan that will feed Pete's body the optimum nutrition in order for it to thrive.

With that being said, you probably think we have chosen to drop Dr. Pablo and pursue treatment with Dr. Miller. Not exactly. The truth of the matter is that Pete's cancer is advanced, very advanced. For a while we have ignored the severity of his condition because our hope has overridden our fear. However, at this point we know the chances are slim that he will live out a normal, happy, healthy life as most of us desire for ourselves. We have decided that the hope must continue because it gives us a reason to press on. And despite the overwhelming evidence that Dr. Pablo's program may not be the right one, Pete still remains hopeful that it may be. So, no matter which treatment we decide to pursue---whether Pete decides to continue with Dr. Pablo or switch to Dr. Miller---we still have hope for the future.

And although, we don't know exactly how and when those last days will overtake him, we do know that we would rather live in a state of being hopeful as opposed to feeling hopeless.

Phillipians 3:13-14

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Surgeon {Too much pain to bear}

Yesterday I came home from the park with Lucas to find Pete lying on the floor of the living room. He was in so much pain, he could hardly get up. For a while we had been tossing around the idea of getting a permanent colostomy, like other people we've met, in order to lessen the pain, etc. but each time we/he decided he'd rather live with the pain. But, when I found him in such a terrible state, I couldn't help but say, "We're calling the surgeon now!" I at least felt it was a good idea to meet with him again and discuss "options".

So, we met with the surgeon today and he suggests radiation. Many times, if radiation works as planned, it can help with pain management. So, as of now, we are waiting on a referral to the Radiation oncologist. Pete is continuing with the all natural regimen as instructed by Dr. Pablo in hopes that it will do what Dr. Pablo states it will do.

Thank you for all your love and support. All prayers are welcomed and appreciated.

XOXO

Wing and a Prayer {Livestrong in Davis}

Last weekend we had the pleasure of riding in the Livestrong challenge in Davis, Ca. There were a few participants who came out to support Pete. They included myself, my step-father Rick, his co-worker Dennis, and a few of Pete's co-workers---Randy and John, as well as John's girlfriend Katie.

Most of us only dared go as far as 20 miles, while a select few, John and Katie, pushed the limits with the 65 miler. To be truthful I was terrified I wasn't going to be able to complete the 20 miles. I had done no training and almost told Pete to go on without me after having a terrible night with Lucas in the hotel the night before. But I persevered and it was the most fun I have had in a long time! I loved pushing myself to complete such a physical goal, being out on the open road on the outskirts of Davis, passing other cyclists (even if they were just moms pulling bike trailers), and most of all, doing it all to show support for one of the strongest fighters I know, my husband.

Thank you to all of you who showed your support either by coming out to ride with us----either virtually or in person, donating money for cancer research (we raised over 3000 dollars), standing on the sidelines (my mom, sister, and cute niece and nephew), or sending prayers. This was such a great experience and one we will definitely do again. And wouldn't you know, the one with cancer beat us all to the finish line. Go figure!

SNAFU

I apologize that it seems Alysha and I only blog to vent in times of doubt and frustration, though, unfortunately, that's what our life is full of right now. We thought we had a clear path to follow for alternative treatment and faith in the program that we decided on but are having serious doubts about the validity of the program and of even the man behind it all. I know Alysha had her doubts in the beginning, though I felt because of the comprehensiveness of what we were presented, that it was the right thing for me. Maybe i'm a sucker and it really is just a scam, a very elaborate one, or maybe this guy has just thrown together a bunch of stuff he's researched and half-asses his way through recommending what someone who's placed their life in his hands should follow. Due to the incomplete nature of the information that we've been provided, sketchy communications from him, and odd manner of getting materials and supplements through another supposed patient; late, incomplete, already opened, my patience and trust in this whole thing has been shaken and am in serious doubt of it being safe. I went to get blood tests done today, which due to the nature of some of the extra screenings that this treatment from "Not-a-Dr. Pablo" requested, had to be done at the infusion clinic where I have gone for chemo as a normal lab couldn't do them and even this morning they were still trying to figure out exactly what the labs were, most of which they had never seen or administered before, and needed clarification on most of them before they could draw the lab to make sure it was right. Not being their fault at all but that of the source request; Dr. Pablo, the guy providing, well, proctoring the treatment. Just like the rest of his information thus far, the lab requests were vague and incomplete. This is kind of the last straw. We don't even know if we could get our money back but are feeling like we need to cut our loses and find another alternative. I'm really sick of not "getting what we pay for" from the very beginning of this whole fight. Chemo, now this. Why can't life or death situations be more simple?!

We haven't ruled anything out even though we felt we definitely needed to seek an alternative to chemo. Who knows, maybe i just need to go ahead with the next drug they would try, loose all my hair anyways and see if that one works. That being said, we're still going to consult with an actual naturopathic Dr., yes a real Doctor now, later this week, originally to supplement the therapy we started, but now to seek professional advise on what she would recommend from scratch and have also requested a distance consult to Dana Farber Cancer Institute in Boston at the prompting of friends of friends that have been treated there. I feel at a lose for knowing what the best route to take is, though we'll keep trying each path and coming back to the fork in the road to seek out the next when it doesn't work. It's a big fork now; getting lost in the world of medicine and natural remedies, to even remember when you last left off. We just need to keep the faith that God will lead us down the right path when it's time. Thanks for the continuing support to help us keep on keeping on!

~Pete