Analogous environment

"I am an analog man, living in a digital world." I heard that line in a song on a classic rock channel the other day driving home from my in-laws house, albeit with my head halfway out the window and the radio blasting just to try to stay awake. I felt pretty in-tune with my environment at that moment, especially when I rode the rumble strip for a while... Most days though, i've been prone to dragging around in a haze, so tired most of the time that I barely have the energy to manage chasing the kids around and picking up the house. That's exhausting in its own right, just ask my amazing wife who's had to do that so much when I was working away overseas. I have all the respect in the world for you darling, for having to do that and staying sane, barely. It certainly takes its toll on me most days that the rest of the world just gets tuned out and muted from my focus. It's taken a conscience effort to "get outside [myself]" as someone suggested to me.

I'm a pretty resistant-to-change, old-fashioned, traditional guy and definitely relate to being an analog dude living in a digital world. I was always resistant and the last to give in when it came to new gadgets, even buying my first cell phone years and years ago, I resisted. Now I have a MacBook (which I despise), an iPad (which is useful so I tolerate and is an easy distraction to give to my daughter to watch 'My Little Pony' on. Ok, I sit and watch with her sometimes too, and after she gets bored and leaves,) but not much else. I keep it pretty simple. I don't Tweet and my Facebook goes ignored for weeks on end. And i'm sticking with that same philosophy now, but it does have a tendency to shut you off from the rest of the world. Hence the time gaps in writing on a blog even though I know there are caring people waiting to hear updates and to hear what i'm thinking and feeling. I like my little shell, closed off from the noise and chaos and hassle of the world. I like quiet and dark and calm. I treasure it and covet it when I don't get it. It's part of who I am but I can't be me all by myself, especially now. So it's an effort to take a deep breath, focus outside of what every ache and pain may mean, and spend some time and energy outward. It's easy with kids. I cherish spending so much time with my children and love role playing and rolling around on the floor and playing tag. Treasuring the few quiet moments in the day to spend with my lovely wife talking about something other than the kids and my health; that means the world to me too. Other than that, we've more or less focused inward as a family too. It's too hard to spend the energy always being social and entertaining, especially now. But we need that in our life, to accept the generosity and to share ourselves with the multitudes of loving and caring and considerate and generous friends and family, near and far.

Alysha has taken a great step towards that for herself as she's just started up her own side business selling Norwex all-natural cleaning and household products. She's jumped into it and has already been very successful in it. I'm proud of her and happy she has another outlet to focus on and spend some time 'outside' of the closed-off nucleus we had created of our lives. It's hard for me to say that I really have any hobbies anymore, though I enjoy working on my bikes now that the weather is so nice though some days don't have the energy to ride, and have encouraged our family to bike more together and to nearby everyday places we would otherwise drive to. (I plan on biking to my chemo appointment tomorrow, we'll see...) My other hobbies were other high-energy sports and running all of which I can't do now. My true passion of mountaineering seems so far out of reach now that I don't know if my lungs will ever allow me to undertake the endurance and struggle of strenuous climbing again, especially at altitude. I long to be in those "high snowy places," to find the solitude and perfect calm and wholeness I only find there. I could see a long-distance hike being possible as I recover but again, all these hobbies were of my single life and take away from being with my family for long periods, though I still feel torn when desiring to undertake those activities.

A truer aspect of this rambling, is that God has a plan for me. Plans to use me to His glory. It's one of the hardest things that i've continually tried to be good at in my life: submit. Being the analytical, linear-thinking, in need of control person that I am; it's difficult to sigh and relinquish the reins to a higher power that you believe and trust in even when you know it is what is best. I certainly stress and worry myself enough with everyday things and now with the enormous added weight of a potentially terminal disease forcing itself on me, it's too much for one person to bear. My wife most certainly shares the burden, but it's too much for two people, for a family, for a whole group of supportive friends, a whole town. Only God can lift that burden and bring peace and comfort in its place, knowing that we're protected and will be stronger from the trials we face by trusting in Him.

So my goal now is to be more in-tune with the world around us, to see and appreciate the beauty around us, in my family, and in the generosity and caring spirit of those who have gathered around us in support. We've been doing that to some degree since the beginning, but to seek it and to see it with a clear perspective and a humble heart, we deliver ourselves from being trapped within.

Thanks for everyone's continued support and prayers.

~Pete

House of Cards

It's your favorite guest blogger; Pete! Here for another installation of my musings and dark ramblings. This one's been a long time coming, but alot, and nothing has happened since my last post. So some changes in perspective and a little help in the positive thinking department from starting Qi gong (chinese breathing & healing meditation techniques used in Kung Fu):

My life feels like an Allstate commercial. You know, the one with the animated car driving through various hazards that appear; wicked storms, avoiding falling rocks, trees, power lines, maybe a squirrel or two. I didn't get any warning that said 'Hazards Ahead' in my life. More like bad MapQuest directions that take you to the middle of nowhere on a windy mountain road that dead-ends, leaving you wondering; "How the Hell did I get here?!" Navigating life's obstacles had typically been fairly straight forward till now: hit obstacle, devise plan, execute. It's even still felt that way since my diagnosis; this is what it is, this is what we can do, this is what we can't do, ready... go! That is until 2 weeks ago, sitting in another oncologist's office, this time down near Phoenix at the Western Cancer Treatment Center of America. There I heard the first realistic perspective on this whole thing since my primary Dr. told me back when I was first diagnosed, "Now you'll be fighting for your life." The Dr. at CTCA more recently was giving me their treatment plan after being evaluated and bluntly stated that "at this stage, we don't talk about a cure, we talk about remission, about managing it and controlling it. I can't guarantee you'll die at 80 from being hit by a truck." Until then, I had been visualizing the treatment as a flow-chart, like milestones to meet and move on to the next or go a different direction, but with a definitive end objective: be cancer free. I know there's no cure, but being over and done with it, totally free so I could go on with my life, that was my successful mission ending. I realize now that this is my life, it will be with me in some form for the rest of my life. There's no 'conquer and move on'. The hard truth is that it will shorten my life, sooner or later, and that pisses me off. Worse things could happen however, more sudden things that wouldn't give me the chance to do or say the things that have needed doing, or saying. On the flip side, now there's a black cloud following me around, whether present or not, it's in my head, always looming as a dark reminder. It follows me as I navigate my new life as if i'm driving that cartoon car through a giant house of cards wondering when it's all going to crash down on me, if one wrong turn will bump the wrong card and bring the whole thing down.

This isn't a defeatist attitude brewing, it's merely another challenge: master the maze, learn the tricks of getting through it stealthily and confident that I won't disturb the delicate balance that exists around me. Making informed decisions about treatments, seeking the most productive methods for addressing each facet of the problem, not just medically, but nutritionally, mentally, emotionally & spiritually. That's our tactic, and like the Rodney Atkins country song goes: "If you're going through Hell, keep on going. You might get out before the devil even knows you're there." That's my new motto... that, and "Everybody Wang Chung tonight." 

~Pete

Oh the Unknown

So, I've been up since 3:30 a.m. with a heavy heart. The moment my shoulders started to ache with tension and pent up anxiety I decided I better get out of bed and get moving. Do you ever wonder why bad things happen to good people? That's the age-old question, isn't it?
This morning I have been overwhelmed by the hurts of not only our family but those of others. For example a friend of mine whose precious two month old baby has just been readmitted to the NICU. My mind has been overwhelmed with prayers for their little family. How does this happen? How does such an innocent, helpless being become so sick? And how do my friends continue to trust in the greatness of our God as they watch their little one suffer?
Last night I was enraptured by one of those investigative news shows. The topic was none other than,  drug trials. Pete got up and left the room the moment he knew what it was about. However, I kept watching. As it unfolded the reporter revealed how people in the poorest countries are being used for these drug trials. In their desperation they are lured in by the high pay ($150 to $400 per trial) and many times are not fully aware of the risks. They interviewed people in the slums of India who had taken part in the studies and many of them could not even read. The injustice of it all was so overwhelming.
And sometimes I feel the same about our situation. My mind can inevitably go to the darkest places if I allow it to. Yesterday, Pete was on the phone and I heard him say something like, "Everyone here is just talking about quality of life instead of the fact that they're going to cure me." He was referring to the attitude of the physicians here verses the hope we have for the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. When I heard that I immediately thought, "Wait, I thought you were convinced you were going to beat this?" And then I realized maybe he wasn't as convinced as I thought he was. For a split second, I looked at Izzy and thought, "What would I do if I had to tell her that her daddy went to be with Jesus? How would we move on?" It would just be so unfair, wouldn't it?????
I would typically end this post with some reassurance, but I'm not sure how to this time. So how would you remind someone of the goodness of God in these situations? 

Cancer Treatment Centers of America: Goodyear, AZ

So, after not being so happy with the choices given to us by the local specialist, we have decided to take it up a notch! We'll be headed to the Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Goodyear, AZ for 5 days on Wednesday March, 7th. My mother-in-law had originally suggested seeking treatment at the center but we  declined due to our desire to stay close to home. However, as we move further into this process, we have come to the conclusion that a more advanced, integrated approach to care is necessary for Pete's specific case. The center in Arizona is an all-in-one stop for cancer care and we are very anxious to see what it has to offer Pete once we are there in person.
During our five day visit at the center we will be visiting will all the specialists including an oncologist, radiation oncologist, surgeon, nutritionist, and naturopathic oncologist. In addition Pete will have the port placement and receive his next round of chemo all before we return home. The fact that we will be meeting with everyone in one visit will hopefully eliminate all the "sit and wait" that we have been experiencing with the local specialists.
Please pray for us as we take this next step towards full recovery. We are very nervous about leaving the kids as the most we have ever been away from them is one night. They'll be cared for by my mom and step-dad so we know they'll be in great hands. Thank you again, for all your prayers and support.

With love,

Decisions, decisions

Just yesterday Pete received a call from the oncologist to inform him of the general consensus reached between herself, the surgeon, and the radiation oncologist. First and foremost, he has been granted another week free of chemo. Woohoo! Secondly, they have decided to continue with the systemic therapy (chemo) but they will be administering it in a different way. Instead of the IV infusion he will have a port installed sometime in the next week which will be placed under the skin on his chest. This is an easy way for them to administer the chemo drugs, draw blood and run tests without having to prick him every time. In addition he will be given the drugs over a period of 48 hours therefore eliminating the pill form of chemo he was once taking every day for two weeks. He will also be on 2 week cycles of of a lower dose of chemo in place of the standard 3 week cycles.

So, this is the plan for now. We are still heavily pursuing various clinical trials which seem very promising. Please pray that we would find the right treatment plan for Pete. Whether it be a clinical trial or standard treatment we are anxious to find something that works. 

Thank you all for your continued love and support. 

XOXO,

Chemo Break

The past two weeks have seemed like a bit of heaven-on-earth compared to the last few months of chemo. At the last appointment the oncologist decided Pete was in need of a "chemo break" in order to catch a break from the nasty side effects he has been experiencing during his rounds. This brief reprieve has been such a blessing for all of us. And despite the looming stress of pending treatment decisions, this break has been an opportunity for us to reconvene as a family. As part of this break we have decided to enjoy more of California. So, yesterday we decided to take a trip up to Burney Falls.

Izzy wanted us to know that there were bears up ahead. LOL!

And little Lucas

Hope you enjoyed the pics. The kids were stellar travelers. I think I foresee more road trips in our future!

With love,

Answers...or Lack There-of

So we met with the local surgeon today and unfortunately didn't get the answers we expected. The following is a short-hand explanation of our 1.5 hour meeting:

- Surgery to remove the primary tumor is not the best option at this time.
- Dr. believes primary tumor has slightly decreased in size and that CT scans are not always great indicators of size and placement of tumors. This gives us hope!!!
- Radiation followed by surgery on primary tumor may be an option if the radiation has an affect on size of tumor however, we run the risk of cancer growing and/or spreading if we focus on only one area and take our focus off the systemic disease (whole body).
- Dr. thinks lungs are primary area of concern due to the fact that lung nodules are spread throughout the lungs therefore making them difficult to remove surgically. In addition, they cannot use radiation as a treatment option for the lungs. Chemo is our only hope for attacking the cancer in the lungs.
- Dr. feels continuing chemo is the best option at this time but is willing to consider and research other paths.
- Dr. will confer with oncologist and radiation oncologist to determine next steps.
- Dr. feels cancer vaccine trial down at City of Hope medical center in Duarte, Ca is a great option. Pete has an appointment for an initial exam to determine eligibility on March 15th.

As always, we are overwhelmed with information. Pete is scheduled for his 4th chemo session on Thursday and despite our best efforts he'll receive his infusion.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. And as always, thank you for your continued love, support, and prayers as we face this head on. These next few weeks will be spent seeking second and third opinions and we're hoping for some better answers.

With love,