The Countdown

It's impossible to explain the mixed emotions we feel as the scan day approaches. Most of my blog posts have served as a reminder that God is doing something bigger in the midst of all this but I'm afraid to report that my hopes for the coming scans are not very high. I'm not sure if this is a defense mechanism or if I am simply doubting God. Whatever it is, it's not helping the morale around here.

Much of the past few weeks have been spent in an attempt to remind myself that it's okay to admit this situation is hard. I have tried to be a steadfast cheerleader for Pete but it's difficult to remain constant when  it seems his trademark fighting spirit is diminishing by the day. On the other hand it's tempting to keep your head in the clouds in an effort to forget about the severity of the situation at hand. However as the scan day approaches, ignorance is not an option. We will soon be confronted with reality whether good or bad.

The other night I plodded into the bedroom after an exceptionally difficult few hours with Lucas and I immediately began pleading with God. As the tears started to fall I begged him to cure Pete. I then admitted that the situation was out of my hands. But I also openly wondered how much one person can take before they break. I mean, it's not that I've ever wondered aloud, "Why me?" However, this attitude was in a round about way asking that very question. And in the midst of all this I was reminded that it's okay to plead with God. In fact, that's one thing He desires from us; a relationship in which we maintain an open dialogue. Although I may never get the answers I desire, just a quick chat can leave me feeling as though my burdens have been lifted.

I am constantly reminded of Amy Grant's beautiful words:

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a hallelujah

And it's important to note that by crying out to God we are not admitting defeat. We are just admitting we cannot go at it alone. We need Him.

As the day approaches we are sure God will be with us. Psalm 91 is a poignant reminder of God's plan for His children:

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
   will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
   my God, in whom I trust.” ³ Surely he will save you
   from the fowler’s snare
   and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
   and under his wings you will find refuge;
   his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
   nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
   nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
   ten thousand at your right hand,
   but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
   and see the punishment of the wicked.
 ⁹ If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
   and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
   no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
   to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
   so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
   you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
 ¹⁴ “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
   I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
   I will be with him in trouble,
   I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
   and show him my salvation.”


With this Psalm, the Lord reminds us that even in the darkest of times, He will protect us when we call on Him. I hope it speaks to you as much as it speaks to me.


Thank you again for all your prayers, love and support. 


With Love,


Alysha