Friday, May 25, 2012

I feel like my new motto is, "Keep calm and carry on." That's really all we can do. The last five days have been crazy. Full of tension, tears, questions, and insecurity. But more importantly they have been filled with a lot of prayer because He is more powerful than it all.

On Monday, Pete called to ask if a copy of his CT scan report was available and it was. He headed down to pick it up. Upon arriving back home I immediately asked him what the report said. He threw the dreaded red folder down on the desk and through a quivering voice said, "Nothing good." My worst fears had been confirmed. The cancer grew, despite the chemo, despite the prayer, despite the hope, despite the dietary changes, despite the chemo, despite the chemo, despite the chemo! It's so hard to believe the chemo didn't work at all. In fact, it did the opposite, it allowed the cancer to grow. The new scan report showed evidence of growth in all of the tumors in the lungs as well as evidence of new tumors forming, and new metastases to the liver. The cancer is taking over his body.

The next couple of days were filled with angst. We began searching for the best possible non-conventional treatment option for Pete. Finally, we felt we had been led to one and decided it was the best route to pursue however, lag time between Dr communication and arrival of supplies has caused us to second guess our decision. I told Pete today that I feel like we aren't doing something right. I don't know what it is but I just feel off. Maybe it's lack of faith or maybe it's the fact that I can't see the future, but it's difficult not to feel like we're making the wrong choice. Especially when there's so much money on the line. Of course, no amount of money is worth my husband's bleak future in the event we chose to do nothing. All we can do is try because if we didn't, we could never live with ourselves.

In the midst of it all, we can still see God's hand working. He is faithful and if we didn't have His love and support we would be lost. He is the great physician so we will choose to believe he is going to work a miracle in Pete in some form or another.

This vacation to Kauai couldn't come at a better time and it's obvious God knew that all along.

Thank you Lord Jesus for your everlasting provisions. Thank you for walking beside us. And thank you to family and friends who have been His hands and feet during our time of struggle.

With Love,

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