Saturday, August 11, 2012

Weary Mom {Seeking Rest in the Midst of This Mess}

It has been a long time since I've blogged. Partly because I haven't had time, but mostly because I have been living in a whirlwind of sleep depravation and self-doubt. As each day sneaks by I find myself wondering what I have done with my time. Have I used it to do something meaningful or have I just pittled away this precious resource God has granted me?

Over the past couple of weeks I have been really hard on myself. My mind is so often filled with thoughts of self-doubt, frustration, anger, and criticism. I find myself wondering if I'm a good mom. If I'm capable of carrying the weight of our family through this trial. I sometimes get angry at myself for not being more present for my kids and for Pete. After all, we have no idea how much time we have left together, shouldn't we be making the most of it, not plodding through the days as if each passing hour is a burden?

In the midst of all this, God stops me and reminds me to give myself a break. He constantly reminds me that my circumstances are unique and are not to be compared to that of anyone else. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to hold myself to such a strict set of standards that most everyone is incapable of meeting, not just myself?

The truth of the matter is that I'm weary. In fact I am so weary that I find it difficult to make it through each day. I am snippy and tired. I'm anxious and withdrawn. I'm fake and clouded. I'm more weary than I have ever been in my life. My burdens are so intense that I find it impossible to make sense of any of it. Often times I sit before God and plead with Him. I ask him why I have to be bombarded by these trials. In fact, it's not enough that my husband is sick, but we have to move away from our family home, and our sweet little Lucas wakes 5 to 10x per night. I can't take it. I have no idea where to begin to make this all better and I feel helpless.

Last week's message at church was about finding rest. During that message God was speaking directly to me. I needed to know that it was okay for me to seek rest and rejuvenation even if it meant time away from my family. I need to take care of me first before I can take care of anyone else.

Throughout the week I have been tentatively taking steps towards this goal and it looks like it might finally come to fruition in a few weeks. I will only be away for a few days but I am in great need of some restoration for my soul.

I was also prompted by one of my favorite blogging moms, Brooke McGlothlin, to incorporate a few other methods of finding rest when I read her heartfelt blog post on rest for the weary mom. You can find it on her blog at  Surprised by Life. Last night, as I laid awake with Lucas for hours starting at 2:00 am, I realized that in the midst of my daze, I am missing out on so many precious moments. I must make it a goal to capture more of those moments, both for the future when our children want mementos of the time they shared with their dada, and for myself too. This is exactly why #6 on Brooke's list resonated so much with me.

So, it looks like God is leading me in the right direction, I only need to keep moving forward. As always, thank you for your love and prayers. Although we may never know the plans God has for us, he has promised that he will never leave us or forsake us. It's times like these that make me cleave to that promise more intensely than I ever have before. Thank you Lord for your promises and your never ending mercies. You are a breath of fresh air when all around me seems hopeless.


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