Thursday, August 23, 2012

Like a desperado waiting on a train

This morning I awoke to an empty house, a scary experience for me. I need people around me as much as possible right now, even though it goes against my anti-social inhibition. My father and step-mother, who are visiting for the week, are leaving early from their hotel to go up to the new house in Red Bluff to finish painting. Alysha stayed up at her mom's house with the kids last night after starting the painting earlier last night. Being alone with my own thoughts is not a good thing right now. I was thinking about when we were down in Phoenix at Cancer Treatment Center of America, how everyone and everything about the place is so cheery you can't help but feel uplifted even after receiving the worst of news about your condition. I was reflecting how I have 1 more week of radiation and how when someone finished their radiation or chemo treatment, they rang a bell to celebrate, to make the patient feel good, for something to be about them, even tif the thing they are celebrating was the most horrible experience they've ever had to go through. But it feels good for someone to cheer for you even if it was just a kick in the balls. Here though, back in 'small-town Cancer Center USA' where normal people can afford the care, i'll finish radiation next week and be sent out the door with a bill still wondering if it did any good and where my treatment will go from there. No fanfare, no joy. Back in Phoenix, they do everything in their power to keep your spirits high. Mine right now; they're already digging the hole. I woke up early this morning lethargic, hardly able to move, everything sore and achy, no energy, no positive attitude, alone, nothing left. I cried in my oatmeal.

I write about staying positive, about the power of hope, the power of faith and prayer. Then I wake up to days like today. I'm usually surrounded by people who are willing to help so i'm not overwhelmed, so I don't have to make decisions, something that's becoming surprisingly difficult for me to do, weird, but it just takes too much, my mind can only handle one thing at a time and when something is thrown at me demanding that I adjust to decide; I hit overload. Many people are on standby waiting to be able to fulfill any need that arises to help us, but I don't know how to even help myself anymore. We have only one car, i'm not on the insurance, Alysha drives me everywhere but loading the kids up in the car requires planning so what really needs to be done is all that gets done. I can't just run down to the store, or go get my hair cut (which is in major need of a trim), i'm starting to fit in with the Chico crowd; unkempt hair, wool socks on with sandals (my feet still get cold even in this heat). So much of life right now revolves around moving to this new house in Red Bluff so we can afford to live by renting out our house here in Chico which after much work over the last year, has become home, everything i've worked for in my adult life, where we want to raise our kids, where we became a family. The stress of moving to a place that feels far from home, making the kids adjust, again, feeling like I need to help in the process but feeling inadequate to do much; it's more than I can take right now. It shows in my marriage; almost every conversation lately has ended in an argument, i'm short on tolerance with the kids and with noise and chaos in general. I don't like that, and my family deserves more than that from me, I just don't feel emotionally capable of being bright and shiny and patient. I feel more like just a patient.

To rid myself of at least some of the negativity I feel, I dunk myself in the hot tub to let it melt away. Shortly after my Dad appears on the back patio and I splash some water on my face so the dripping water will camouflage the tears that are still rolling down my face. I'm not exactly sure why i'm crying again, I don't try to dig too deep into it, I just am. I vent a little to him and he leaves to go get coffee for us all. I lay still and soak. I focus on the still reflection of the water then a tear drops onto the calm surface. It ripples and blurs; just like how I feel. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I think i'll just try to pass today hiding in as much solitude and calm as I can find, waiting for it to turn into a better tomorrow; like a desperado waiting on a train.

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