Saturday, January 14, 2012

I Surrender

That's it. I surrender. I give up. Time to wave the white flag. I'm tired. I want a break. I quit.....doing this alone. Tonight my father-in-law wanted to take us out to dinner so we could relax. He said it was intended to give us a break. I declined by saying that taking the kids out to eat is never a break but instead chaotic and added, "I never get a break anyways." I'm left wondering if this is a true reality or a self-imposed restriction?

As I shared before, I have never felt more called to serve my family, than I do now. It is definitely a labor of love. I enjoy preparing foods which will offer them complete nourishment and I enjoy maintaining a clean home where they can feel comfortable and relaxed. But there comes a point when a labor of love can suddenly become a burden and I'm there. I've drifted away from God in hopes I can control this but I can't. In fact, it's totally out of my control and the more I try to control it, the more I will find myself drained, disappointed, angry, resentful, and without hope. So, I'm admitting that I cannot do this myself. I need help.

Yesterday was Pete's second chemo infusion. It went well and he felt great all day. I was secretly rejoicing, feeling we had crossed the threshold. Until he realized he forgot to take his chemo meds in the morning. It was too good to be true. Once he took the meds the side effects began to set in. I went to bed burdened and heavy laden wondering how it could be that the very medicine intended to "cure" him actually made him feel worse. It makes no sense to me.

I was left pondering the same thing this evening after I began reading a book recommended by a friend about alternative treatments. It tugged on my heart strings and I found myself yearning for something different for Pete; a cancer cure free from the devastating side effects of chemo. A quick fix. I found myself angry that all the dietary supplements and changes I have initiated are no competition for chemo's vengeance.

So, I guess this is just me admitting I'm at a loss. I'm admitting I can't control this. I'm offering it up to God once more. Placing the situation in His hands. This is really ALL I can do for now.

Thank you again for your constant prayers, love, and support. We are so truly blessed by all of you.

With love, Alysha

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